Clark Kent (CK) Interviews Superman (SM)

The two meet and shake hands.

Clark: OH MY GOD, MY HAND! MY HAND! YOU BROKE IT!

Superman, concerned: I am so sorry, I wasn’t…

CK: Got ya!

SM: That’s a good one, Clark. And the first time I have everrrr heard that. Listen, I thought Lois was going to interview me?

CK: Sorry.., no, Supes, she’s giving Chris a full tour of the Planet.

SM: Uhh…Chris?

CK: Yeah, he’s just a Hollywood actor, don’t worry about him.

So listen, Superman… Wow! It’s really you! Sorry to gush, but. Wow! You know, my entire life, whenever someone asks me for a match, I say ‘Me and Superman!’ And now that you’re right in front of me, wow! I see the resemblance, don’t you? Here, put my glasses on.

SM: No, Clark.

CK: Come on! I bet they fit! Please?

SM: No, Clark, I’m not trying on your glasses.

CK: Well, okay, I guess I ought to get to the questions. I mean, who knows, Lex could try something while you’re stuck here with me… Haa, me and Superman… (Chuckles)

.. Okay. Right. Questions. I’ll start with an easy one. Do you like pink?

SM: What? Do I like .. Well, NOT on yo –Clark, what kind of question is that?

CK: I’ll just put Yes, and move on.

The door opens, Lois Lane pokes her head in.

CK: Lois! Hi! I was just asking Superman about liking the color pin–

SM: (Interrupting) Never mind, Lois, say, is that Chris with you?

Lois: Yes, I’m showing him around the place, he’s going to be spending a lot of time here.

SM: He is?

Chris, pushing up glasses: Nice to meet you, sir! I’ll be seeing you around.

The two leave.

CK: (Whispering) I don’t know if this is supposed to be a secret, but he’s playing one of us in an upcoming biopic. I think he looks more like you. Only, with glasses. Here, put on my glasses…

SM: Clark, I am NOT putting on your glasses.

CK: I get that a lot. So anyway, Tony..

SM: What?

CK: Oh my God, I knew it! You’re Tony Stark! Oh wow, Superman AND Iron Man! How on Earth do you pull that off?

SM: Clark, doesn’t Tony Stark have a mustache? How do I pull that off?

Superman points out his own obvious lack of ‘stache.

CK: Oh. You’re right, he sure does. I thought I had a real scoop there for a second! Sorry about that.

So, I know you used to like to change clothes in a phone booth. But now everyone uses smartphones. So, how does that work? You know, because… there aren’t phone booths anymore, and you can’t change clothes in a smartpho —

SM: Yes. I got it, Clark. How I change into my suit is a Super-secret.

CK: Ah, good one! Speaking of secrets, are you wearing a wig, Lex?

SM: Lex? As in Lex Luthor?

CK: AHA! Funny you would think of him, er, you.

SM: Do you think that I’m Lex Luthor, Clark?

CK: Well, that is kind of the word on the street. And really, it’s pretty obvious, with the double-L thing and all. Lois Lane, Lana Lang.. Of course you’re Lex Luthor!

SM: Or maybe I’m LL Cool J.

Clark: Whoa! I always thought he was pretty ripped! Wow! If you’ll just rap a little sample for me, I’ll be convinced.

SM: That’s not going to happen, Clark.

Clark sighs.

CK: So, Superman, when you were young, did you get mistaken for Superboy a lot?

SM: Is that a real question?

CK: Umm… Yes?

Superman narrows eyes.

Clark: No, no, not a real question. Ha. Ahem.

So, Lois Lane, mmm? You and Lois…

Clark winks, wiggles his eyebrows, slaps the table.

CK: Eh? Eh? You and Lois?

SM: DO YOU have a question, Clark?

CK: Hey, I’M interviewing YOU! I’ll ask the questions here! Just kidding, Supe.

Mumbling… You and Lois… note to self… sore subject, heh…

SM: Clark, my hearing is very good.

CK: Ohhhhhh kay. You and Lois, I’ll just check Yes.

Clark makes 5 or 6 checks on his pad and underlines several times.

CK: Okay, Superman, time for the hard questions.

Everyone has a weakness. Mine are cupcakes, brunette reporters, and of course, nearsightedness. Tell me, what is YOUR Kryptonite?

SM: …

CK: Oh! I’m sorry, how silly of me! You can’t exactly tell the world, can you? Someone could use it against you, like, in a movie or something.

(Shouting loudly) Sorry, General Zod, not today!!!

Superman narrows his eyes.

CK: Still mad about the Lois thing, I see. Well, she is pretty hot.. OW! Did you just heat ray my shirt?

SM: Of course not.

CK: Are you sure? There are two holes burnt right here on my chest!

SM: Really? Let me see? Nope. Wasn’t me.

CK: Really? Because these holes, they’re EXACTLY as far apart as your eyes.

SM: Nope, not me.

CK: That’s very Bizarro.

Snorts repeatedly.

CK: Bizarro, get it? So, you and Bizarro…

Snorts again.

CK: So, being so closely related to Bizarro, does it worry you to know that you’re just one click away from talking like “Me not Human! Me am angry! Me like Puppies?”

SM: Me not related to ..

I mean to say, Bizarro is not Kryptonian, as I am. Lex Luthor’s “duplicating ray” was severely flawed. While he was attempting to make a clone of me, he failed. In fact, what ended up happening was—

Clark makes long loud snoring noises until Superman stops.

CK: How did it feel to get beat by Bruce Way… whoops, pardon me — I meant, Batman? Oh, boy, we’ll have to leave THAT part out. I sure let the bat out of the bag!

SM: I’m pretty sure that everyone is aware that Bruce Wayne is Batman. And, he did NOT beat me.

CK: Sure he did! I have footage right here on my phone, take a look!

SM: Let me see?

Superman takes Clark’s smartphone, which promptly disintegrates.

SM: I don’t see anything, Clark.

Clark shrugs, frowning.

CK: Next question, I guess. Did you ever consider a life of crime? You know, the Man of Steal or something? Not steel, STEAL, get it? Not with two ee’s see, S-T-E-A–

SM: I get it, Clark. And, no. I use my powers only for good. I think that it is important for me to be a role model, for children and for adults, really, for all of humanity. I want to demonstrate that power has consequences, and every action has a result that affects so much more than —

Clark puts up a finger, looking at phone:

CK: Sorry, one sec… he’s HERE?! Perfect! Send him in!!

Doomsday is here!

Superman, standing up, startled

SM: He is?!

CK: Oh my! The look on your face! Doomsday is here, hahahaha!

So, okay. Question. You’re out there, flying around, saving the world, battling mega-villians, when suddenly, you really have to…

SM: Have to what, Clark?

CK: Well, you know. Go? How do you manage in that suit? Do you… (lowers voice) Do you wear a diaper?

SM: Depends.

CK: Depends on wha… Ohhhh! You wear Dep… waaiiit. You just made a funny.

SM: I did! It was a super-joke.

CK: If you say so. (Rolling eyes.)

CK: So, what’s it like hanging out with the Flash, and Aquaman, and…. Wonder Woman? (Eyebrows once again wiggling)

SM: That was just a movie, Clark. We have our own lives.

CK: Oh. Okay. Well, do you ever hang out with the Avengers?

SM: Just a movie, Clark.

CK: Deadpool?

SM: Again, Clark. He’s not real.

CK: Well that’s weird, because Ryan Reynolds was just here, and–

SM: He was? Ryan Reynolds? Hey, is he still in the building? (Standing up quickly, then slowly returning to seat)

Ahh.. Another joke.

CK: Time for an ink blot test! What does this look like to you?

SM: Clark, that’s a photograph.

CK: No stalling, tell me what you see!

SM: It’s a picture – of Lois Lane.

CK: Hmmm.. Okay, how about this one?

Superman sighs.

SM: That’s another picture of Lois, eating a sandwich. That’s right in the cafeteria.

CK: Very interesting… and this?

SM: That’s Lois in the – CLARK. Are you stalking Ms. Lane?

CK: Me? I’m not the one that sees her everywhere, am I?

Now, let’s talk about your battle with alcoholism back in the 1990’s…

SM: That was Iron Man.

CK: Okay, well, how about the time you ran through a wormhole and time-travelled…

SM: That was the Flash.

CK: Okay, so when you threw your hammer down to Earth and—

SM: Thor.

CK: And why you didn’t replace the toilet paper in the stall?

SM: Hey, I was in a hurry, there was a car wreck and – – Uh. I mean. THAT was Jimmy Olsen.

Jimmy Olsen opens door.

JO: Ahh, thank God you’re here, Superman! Lex Luthor planted a bomb in this building, and I just got a call that it will detonate in less than a minute!

Jimmy hurries out, and Superman slowly claps hands.

SM: Well, played, Jimmy, well played.

Lois pokes her head in the door.

SM: (blurting): Pink!! I like pink very much, Lois!

Lois glares.

LL: Am I going to have to start wearing a lead apron to work? Also, there’s a bomb in the building, Superman.

Lois leaves hurriedly, as Morgan Edge barges in.

ME: Kent, quit changing the newspaper’s name! Clark’s Planet? Really?!

Hey, Superman! For the love of God, you’ve got to stop that bomb!

SM: Clark, I can’t believe you even got Mr Edge in on thi–

HUGE EXPLOSION

(Superman sitting in the pile of rubble, chuckling) That Clark!