TWITCH

Often as I’m fading away to the better world we can only reach in sleep, I feel the movement of a large black Labrador against my leg. Skylar is lost in her own dream, her legs twitching. She yips softly, and I wonder what she’s seeing. I remember my parents used to say that dogs chase squirrels in their dreams. This seems more frenetic, more urgent.

Is she trapped in a nightmare? I’ve become a bit of a worrier. So I nudge Skylar with my leg, and call her name until she stops twitching, and returns to me. Her black eyes shine in the dark, wide open and full of mystery. Tomorrow or the next day, this will all be repeated.

In my own waking moments, I wonder what Skylar sees in her dreams. Is she being chased, or is she chasing? Where is she before I wake her?  

The answer came to me in a dream. A memory of a dream, rather. It wasn’t my dream, but one that my brother Darrell used to tell me about. He dreamt it often. The locations would vary, but the theme was always the same. Mom and Dad were always there, our whole family was together. It was a wish his heart made.

Remembering that, it occurred to me that maybe Skylar is reunited with Darrell in her dreams. It’s been over a year now since Darrell left suddenly in his sleep, Skylar by his side. I tried to wake him, but he was gone. Skylar hasn’t been the same. Darrell was her person and always will be. I’m not the same, either. Nobody is. Nothing is.  

I’ve started taking Skylar for more “walks” recently. We do very little walking.  When she pulls at the leash, I speed up and let her trot, then gallop, then bound. I sprint to keep up, watching her in what looks like pure joy. With her eyes wide and ears flopping in the wind, Skylar appears most alive. She is suddenly oblivious to her environment. This, the dog that sniffs every blade of grass, tries to follow every scent trail. When she runs, she goes somewhere else. She isn’t chasing, she isn’t being chased. She is just being. And she is happy.

I believe that Skylar goes to that same happy place in her dreams. She’s running alongside Darrell. No destination, no matter. They can run forever, wherever they want, never tiring.

I smile now when I feel Skylar twitch beside me. I don’t nudge her anymore; I just let her run free.

The day will come, I know, when like my brother, I will not wake up. If you are the one that finds me, I am truly sorry. I know how difficult and heartbreaking that is. But please, do this for yourself. Tell yourself you see a hint of a smile on my face. Tell yourself you saw my legs twitch, just a tiny bit. And know this, for sure. We are all together in dreams.

END